Renewing Expired Contracts
I’d like to have a conversation about expired contracts.
As I continue to shed aspects of my life that no longer align with who I am today, I have found that it is important to be able to recognize when a contract is at it’s end.
Let me explain.
When I say "contracts," I'm referring to the agreements we forge in our lives with people, environments, and experiences. These agreements may be with friends, romantic partners, family members, or careers / jobs.
These are agreements that we make, often subconsciously, because there's a binding force. This binding agreement might represent a cycle that needs breaking, a purpose to be fulfilled, or a lesson waiting to be learned.
Contracts, whether in the professional or personal realm, aren't designed to endure with the same terms and conditions indefinitely. Even those that persist over extended periods are meant to evolve and be amended to align with new circumstances, experience, and growth.
So when I say "stop renewing expired contracts," what I mean is: stop sitting at tables that serve poison, stop staying in relationships that ask you to neglect parts of yourself, and stop staying in spaces where your growth, success, and/or health are hindered.
Now let’s talk about WHY we shouldn’t renew expired contracts.
Studies have shown the top regret of those at their life's end is not living true to themselves.
Yes. In their final days, their greatest regret was not living more authentically.
But how are expired contracts and authenticity even connected?
Well, when we renew expired contracts, we continue to welcome in the energy of what is no longer meant for us. And when we do this, we also postpone what IS meant for us.
When we renew expired contracts, we make the unconscious decision to betray ourselves. When we betray ourselves, we deny ourselves of our truths.
And to live authentically is to live in congruence with our truth.
I’ll give you an example from my own life:
I had a best friend for over 10 years. We attended several schools together, joined dance teams together, had many mutual friends, and even lived together. We watched each other grow into women.
But as the years went on, I began to notice that there were cracks in our friendship. Where I would be mindful of her, and would give her respect - she would not return the favor. She would back other people in her life who mistreated her before she would have my back, and there were many lies and moments of betrayal. But because I loved her and had been her friend for so long, I always forgave her. I renewed her contract, over and over.
“No new friends,” right? “Ride or dies?” “Best friends forever?”
This was many years ago now, but at the time, I thought the longevity of a friendship was more important than the quality. Like so many people, I had been taught that. And she had been my “best friend” for over 10 years, so I thought it was only right that I continuously forgave her for the lies, the betrayals, and the crossed boundaries. This is what had been modeled for me as what loved was…after all.
I remember one of the first times I mustered up the courage to confront her about something she had done that was deeply hurtful. It was a conversation that I’ll never forget. Her response was: “Yeah I knew it upset you, but you didn’t say anything. And closed mouths don’t get fed, so I didn’t apologize.”
….Excuse me?! That was NOT what I expected from my “best friend.” I was appalled. But…she had a point. And I learned something valuable that day.
You see, I had given her permission to treat me this way by renewing that expired contract. I continued to hold space for that energy.
I hadn’t communicated with her about my feelings that were connected to the incident, so she had not changed her behavior. I had been so worried about losing her friendship, that I prioritized her comfort over of my feelings. For years, I had not been communicating my needs or boundaries.
Even after this conversation, when I knew that our friendship was no longer serving me, I renewed her contract. Even after she told me, to my face, that my feelings did not deserve recognition.
I kept renewing that contract, and she kept signing the dotted line. And why wouldn’t she sign? I was letting her benefit from an agreement where I was upholding my side of the agreement, while she was not held accountable for staying true to her side. That contract benefited her more than it benefited me.
Does this sound familiar? Yeah….it sounds like an old employer of mine as well.
Like most of us, I’m a recovering people pleaser. I’m guilty of renewing expired contracts in EVERY aspect of my life, not just friendships. At work, in romantic relationships, and with myself. As I often tell my clients: how we do one thing, is how we do everything.
But back to my best friend:
The longer I let her benefit from that expired contract, the bigger the self-sacrifices became, and the less I felt connected to myself. I felt worse about myself as time went on, because I wasn’t being honest with myself or her.
You see, confident people are people who show up for themselves, over and over. By renewing that contract with her, I had chosen to do the opposite. I had chosen to betray myself to maintain our friendship.
And while it was painful at first (if you know anything about a friendship break-up, you know they are the worst of break-ups), when I walked away from that friendship, I felt lighter. I had released what had been emotionally weighing me down. And as a result, I created the emotional space to welcome in more aligned friendships. I made even better friends, and I gained community that was far more aligned than she could have ever been.
And while there is a part of me that every now and then that thinks of her and wonders if we could have remained friends, I am thankful that I walked away when I did. Because the version of me that exists today would not have had the space to flourish if I had continued to renew that contract.
I use friendship as the example here, but, as mentioned above, this idea can be applied to other aspects of life as well.
Now, if you’re still reading this, you may be asking yourself, “how do I know if a contract is expired?”
Here are some signs that have shown up in my life:
Resentment towards the environment, situation, or person
Continuously crossed boundaries, even after communicated
My most authentic / biggest self is not welcomed around this particular person or environment, even when I have been able to show authentically in other aspects of life
I find myself avoiding the person or environment to protect my peace, but I have not cut ties with it / them
I am continuously (whether explicit or not) asked to be small, betray myself, or compromise my emotional, physical, mental, and/or spiritual health to maintain the contract
Apathy towards the environment, situation, or relationship
The version of me that exists today is not the same version of me that signed the contract
While this list isn't exhaustive, and not everything mentioned has to be indicative of a true end, these are some clear signals that have prompted me to reflect on my own contracts.
So, I invite you to ask yourself these questions: Do my current contracts reflect who I am today, or do they reflect a past version of me? Do they match the vibration of the life that I want to create? If the answer is no, it might be time to consider a making a change.
Better, more aligned agreements await you on the other side of the ones you keep renewing. But in order for those doors to open, you’ll first need close some.
I know from experience that this is easier said than done…but when you are ready to take that step, the rewards on the other side will be a deeper connection to yourself, peace of mind, and a more authentic life.
Did this post strike a chord with you? If you're feeling weighed down by your own expired contracts, I’d like to work with you to help you walk away from what doesn’t align with the version of you that you're creating. Let's work together to navigate these uncomfortable conversations and shifts. Click the link below to book a free discovery call. I look forward to meeting you.
