Embracing My Wings

For as long as I can remember, I’ve identified as a jackhammer.

‘What is a jackhammer?’ you may be asking. I first heard the concept of the jackhammer while listening to Oprah's Super Soul Conversations with Elizabeth Gilbert (I love me some Aunty O!). Elizabeth said there are two types of people in this world: the jackhammers and the hummingbirds. Jackhammers, like the tool, are the type of people who pound away at something and stick with that thing until the end of time. They are focused on their passions: their one career, and they stick to it. They are steadfast and they don’t veer from their focus. Generally we have been taught to look at jackhammers and praise them for their diligence and commitment to their goals.

Hummingbirds, on the other hand, are the opposite of jackhammers. They are the type of people who go from place to place, and space to space. Like the bird, they move from flower to flower, and tree to tree, cross pollinating whatever they touch. In this way, these types of people also cross pollinate culture, by bringing their experiences in each place, person, and space, to their next experience. They are the kind of people who bring life to any space they are in, leave their mark, and move on to the next.

Now, I’m not sure what you’re thinking after reading that, but this definitely got my wheels turning. I started to think of my own journey. 

You see, I was told from a very young age that I had to find my one true passion, and to pursue one career path. “What do you want to be when you grow up?” and “what do you want your focus to be in college?” were among the questions my mentors and guardians would ask. For me, the answer to these question wasn’t entirely clear and it changed every few months, or years:

A ballerina!  A veterinarian! A marine biologist. A back-up dancer! An ice skater (ya girl really thought she was about to be Michelle Kwan, let. me. tell. you). 

I wanted to be many different things, and all of them at once. The answer constantly changed, and I never quite stuck with one thing or thought twice about it. This was normal, right? We all want to try everything? I sure thought so. But this wasn’t the case for many of my friends. They knew EXACTLY what they wanted to be when they grew up, and many of them stuck with those passions. 

But for someone like me who had many interests, this was very confusing. To add to this confusion, growing up as a young Black woman in America, society expected that I fit into a very specific box that had been created for me. There was a ceiling for what I could achieve, expectations for the type of rooms I belonged in and those I did not belong in, and ideas about the type of people I should surround myself with. My friends and family, though unintentionally, were guilty of perpetuating this mindset. I was often questioned for thinking outside of the box, wanting different things, and wanting to venture outside of who and what I knew.

Years later when I went off to college, my peers knew exactly what they wanted to major in, and what companies they wanted to work for, but I still didn’t have the answers for myself. This made me feel like I was behind in some way, because the mentors in my life were praising those who DID have the answers. They were rewarding those who had one singular direction, not people like me. I wasn’t really passionate about ONE thing like everyone else, I liked many things…and they didn’t know what to do with that. I was told that only one would suffice - and that one had to financially support me. It had to be a “stable”  and “realistic” career. Boring, right? Well, I didn’t know what I wanted to do or who I wanted be yet, but I did know that I wanted to be successful. The definition of success that I had been taught to value, that is. So, with the then understanding that a “stable” path was the way to get there, I chose a singular path that I felt would live up to that expectation.

While I had always known that I was creative, I didn’t believe that I could pursue my passion for dance as a career (insert feelings of insecurity and messaging about financial stability). So I instead set my sights on a career in the television industry. I started my work at one of the largest talent agencies in the world as an assistant,, and shortly thereafter found myself moving upward as a creative executive at Netflix. Some would say, from the outside eye, I was thriving. And for a while, I thought I definitely thought I was. I was making six figures, working at a prolific company and working with prolific filmmakers and creatives in Hollywood, Poland, the United Kingdom, and Africa. I was making my name, my face, and my work known around the world. However, it still felt like something was missing. I couldn’t put my finger on why at the time, but I didn’t feel like I belonged in the spaces I had been in. I didn’t carry the same feeling that my peers did of feeling like I had found my purpose, or like I was doing the damn thing. I felt…stifled. I felt like I was living my life for other people. Even with a cushy paycheck and a good amount of autonomy, I still wasn’t fulfilled or excited. I jumped from team to team, and from one job to the next, but there was always an itch that I couldn’t quite scratch.

That same lack of fulfillment eventually lead to a very dark period of burnout for me.

What most people don't realize is that burnout is not one thing, and it doesn’t just come from being overworked. It comes from lack of fulfillment, playing small, not using your voice, an unhealthy diet, sleep deprivation, relationships that are draining, giving more than you are receiving, lack of proper mental hygiene…the list goes on. And what I realized during the period where I was supported enough to take a six month health sabbatical from work, is that all of this can come from a place of not fully living in your truth.

You see, I’ve come to realize that I was never meant to wear one hat or be one thing. I was never meant to fit into a box. And I certainly wasn’t built to be or to think like the people around me. (The reality is that none of us are). I was never meant to stay in one city, one country, one company, one industry, or one career. I was never going to be excited by a job that asked me to report into an office, to one team, one boss, or to stay in one role. Anytime I have forced myself into a space that asked me to live within the confines of another entity or person’s limitations, I eventually found myself clawing my way out of it to avoid feeling suffocated.

I’ve learned that my being calls me to venture outside of and question the confines of whatever box that I am asked to operate within. Whether that be a job, a relationship, a friendship, or an environment, I have always felt restless in any space that has asked me to be one thing. And just like that child who dared to try everything, I have come to learn that that is because I am many things. I am a dancer, a thrill seeker, a teacher, a student, a diver, a friend, a sister, a lover, a mentor, a gardener, a free spirit and thinker. I am meant to have many roles, many relationships, and many experiences…and now I know that that is because I am not a jackhammer. I am a hummingbird. 

As I’ve been on a deep healing journey, I’ve realized there is beauty and necessity in stepping outside of the box, and moving on when the universe calls you too. There is beauty in listening and moving when you feel a nudge.  And for me, that nudge comes often.

But here’s the thing. That doesn’t mean I lack direction or that I don’t know how to be still. It actually means that I don’t have to be defined by the way others live their lives. I have my own path, my own truth, and my own direction. It means that MY direction is to move on and to cross pollinate. My direction is to experience many different things. To learn and teach by sharing my learnings, and then move on, learn, and teach again. I am meant to move about the world with flow, to learn many things and to readjust with each new experience. I am meant to take on many experiences, meet many people, travel to many places, and embrace different cultures and trains of thought. Like hummingbirds, I am meant to fly.

So, if you are someone who feels restless in your job, your relationship, the city you’ve never left, or any space you find yourself stuck in: I’m here to tell you that you’re not stuck. You don’t have to stick to one thing your entire life. You can step outside of your comfort zone. You can take that leap. It will absolutely feel scary at first, but something that is more in alignment for you will always follow. Will always be bigger. I know because it always has for me. When you take a leap of faith and choose yourself, the universe will cast the net and catch you. It will catch you because you’ve chosen what is more in alignment for you, and therefore more in alignment for all of us. Because living in your peace and joy will make space for the rest of us to do the same.

So move with that nudge. Take on that new experience. Leave that stifling career or relationship. I dare you to start over and try something new. I dare you to live in your truth. I dare you to truly live, breathe, and FLY. There just may be a larger life waiting for you to open your wings.

…And you just may have a little more hummingbird in you than you think.

Are YOU ready follow that nudge and take the leap?