Nobody Wants to Drink Water From a Dirty Filter

Story time:

I had a friend for a few years who lived in very close proximity to me.

We would see each other often, speak often, spend a lot of time together talking about our dating life, spirituality, our relationships, our friendships, and everything in between.

For a brief period, she was one of my best friends.

But at some point I felt a shift, and I didn’t know where it came from.

What were, from my POV, bids for a deeper relationship with her: bids for closeness & time together, desire for better communication between us, boundaries set on my end so that she would understand what didn’t make me feel loved or appreciated, and the effort to immediately communicate my needs so that there would be no resentment growing on my end…

Were met with anger, avoidance, and huge outbursts from her end.

I didn’t understand why.

With each consecutive time this happened, I was even more mindful of her triggers, and I made a more intentional effort to hold space for what could lead to a potential outburst from her. That’s what friends do, right?

Well, what I thought was me being a better friend, was not met with better responses.

Once again, I was confused. How could I be more lovingly tailoring my words and energy so that she wouldn’t be triggered as much, but not be met with the same energy of consideration for my triggers and needs?

But a conversation that we had in the midst of one of the many outbursts that followed really opened my eyes to something:

No matter how you meet people: how lovingly, intentionally, calmly, patiently….people can only meet you as deeply as they have met themselves.

And you cannot change the filter through which they view life.

Why does this matter?

Because the filter that we view life through, is the filter through which we, until we heal, view EVERYTHING through.

You see, I was in a deep period of reflection. I was self-coaching all the time, constantly meditating and finding time for solitude, learning how to regulate my nervous system in all the ways. OVER AND OVER AGAIN, I was choosing the path of healing. I was intentionally trying to better myself for myself, my family, my relationship, and my friendships. I wanted to continue to GROW and show up more lovingly in all aspects of life. And I was bringing these various ways of regulating and healing into our friendship in hopes that she would, as she had promised, meet me with a different energy the next time I tried to communicate a need or desire with her.

Surely, if I do better, so will she. Right? That is, at least, what we had agreed we would both make an effort to do. Be better at communicating.

But in the conversation that I mentioned above, she revealed something that made me see every single outburst after that differently. She shared that, without my knowledge, she had been holding onto resentment towards me for something that she had perceived had happened over a year prior to our convo.

Huh?

This was something that I didn’t know she felt because it had never been brought to my attention, nor had I been given the chance to have a discussion with her about it to clear the air.

And what was miraculous was…as soon as we DID talk about it, the air was cleared immediately. It was a misunderstanding. What she thought had taken place, hadn’t.

What we realized in that conversation was that all of the bids for closeness, communication, connection, and understanding on my end - had been received through a lense of resentment on her end.

So she wasn’t able to receive them in the energy that I had tried to communicate them. She instead viewed them as attacks on her freedom.

And that was never going to be something that I had any control over.

Right to the very end of our friendship when I made the decision to walk away quietly and without a fight…that lense remained. And I was still her villain.

No matter how clearly, lovingly, intentionally, patiently, or respectfully I communicated, the filter through which she saw me, remained..

And I began to see that I could not change that, nor was it my responsibility to. But it WAS my responsibility to take action and accountability for where I had let her treat me that way. Which is ultimately what led me to walk away.

So, what was the lesson there?

Well, I learned that we can not change the lense through which people see us. Nor should we try to, because that will only lead to further resentment on both ends.

But what we CAN do, is meet people with love. Yes, meeting people with love can look like letting things slide and meeting them with forgiveness, because we are all human and we all have our off-days. But meeting them with love can also look like setting boundaries and/or walking away if certain patterns don’t cease, and if they are hurting us. And it can also look like removing ourselves,, to instead focus on our own wounded filters.

And what’s beautiful about meeting people with love is:  we never feel WORSE after. Yes, there may be temporary discomfort and grief, because we are emotional beings and we all desire to be loved and in connection with others. However, when we are true to ourselves, when we honor our needs, and when we show up for ourselves consistently, we create a more loving home within ourselves.

This creates more trust, more safety, and more peace in our bodies.

And though it can be extremely difficult to say goodbye to people that we love, those goodbyes become easier when we are at peace within ourselves.

Furthermore, when we honor ourselves, we also honor the people that we love.

How is that? You may be thinking.

Well, when we continue to hold space for someone’s patterns that are not serving us and are hurting us, we are actually holding space for patterns that are also hurting and not serving THEM.

Because we are all connected.

When we do this we block the very lessons that God / Universe / Source has sent their way for their highest good and for their healing.

You’ll often hear me say that I tell my coaching clients “how we do one thing is how we do everything.” This is relevant here as well: The wounded filters through which we see life will bleed into all aspects of our lives, until we choose to heal them:

They will be bleed into our romantic partnerships, our work and work relationships, our friendships, familial relationships, and our relationship with ourselves.

(Remember when I said we only meet others as deeply as we have met ourselves…?)

By choosing to not support the wounded patterns of the people we love (no matter how hard it may be) we are choosing to love them by creating space for them to heal.

So, here is my offering to you: If you find yourself living out a pattern in your life, I invite you to take a step back. Take some time in solitude to reflect on these questions:

What is the pattern? Where and what does it stem from? Is the pattern yours or does the pattern belong to another person? Could you both be perpetuating a pattern? Is the pattern serving you now? Has it ever served you? If it has, thank it for when it did serve you. It may just have been necessary at some point for your survival, and for that we are grateful. With that said, if you’ve read through this blog post, it likely no longer is serving you. So, with this newfound awareness that you have today, write yourself a letter of forgiveness for all the times that you did let this pattern drive your life, then release it.

By releasing it you will make space for healthier patterns, relationships, friendships, and opportunities. You make space for new energy as a whole.

I see you and I feel you. We all have wounds, love. I myself have had to take a step back many times to identify my own patterns that have stemmed from my childhood. It is not our fault that life and traumatic experiences happen to us. However, it is our fault if we should continue to perpetuate unhealthy patterns and let them drive our lives.

After all, nobody wants to drink water from a dirty filter.